(originally posted on www.createdbychance.blogspot.com on 9/2/14)
This is where I am today, and it’s kind of embarrassing to admit.
I’m just going to come out and say it. I have alot of issues about money. I grew up in a working class family, and although our needs were certainly always fulfilled I was hyper-aware of money and how much we did or didn’t have compared to everyone else.
I don’t think that’s changed much in my adult life. I’m still working class and I am still hyper-aware of how much I do or don’t have compared to my friends and colleagues. I realize I find myself in this uncomfortable place because of choices I have made, the largest and riskiest one being the choice to pursue a life in the arts. A life that is inherently unstable and for which you often don’t get paid. The kind of life where you have to have a “survival job” in order to make ends meet. I think in my mind I’ve equated being an artist with being perpetually poor. I worry, often to excess, about whether or not I need to change gears, to give up a life in the arts for something more stable. I’m smart and I’m a hard worker. I know I could get a job that pays me well. I just don’t want any of those jobs. I’ve had them, and I hate them. And I know this is a first world problem. There are billions of people in the world who work long, hard days and barely makes ends meet. They are barely surviving. This knowledge makes me feel incredibly guilty about my choices, which just feeds the worry and anxiety.
I’ve also come to learn in my adult life that what I think about, I create. If I focus on not having enough, then I will never have enough. If, instead, I focus on abundance and visualize money flowing to me, then there is a much greater likelihood that will happen. Putting that idea into practice is incredibly hard.
This is where I am in my artist life. I feel compelled to continue to walk this path, this is the path my intuition tells me to follow, and I’ve learned to trust my intuition. I feel I have been called to this life. But, damn, you guys, it’s fucking hard.
This is where I am today.