Even Billboard Queens Like Arts & Crafts

(originally posted on www.createdbychance.blogspot.com on 9/15/11)

I had my weirdest “celebrity” sighting in LA today.  Okay, I didn’t even know this person was famous until I came home and told Adam the story, but she certainly caught my attention, so it’s not too surprising that people know who she is.  As soon as I began to describe her, Adam shouted, “Oh my god, that was Angelyne!”

My response, of course, was “who the fuck is Angelyne?”  Well, this is Angelyne:


I guess I’m too new to Los Angeles to have seen her billboards, but Angelyne became famous in the 1980s for a series of billboards throughout LA funded by “investors” (when talking about Angelyne, alot of things need to be in quotes, like she’s “blonde” or “pretty” or has “good taste”).

All I know is that I went to the Michaels in Encino this afternoon to buy Martha Stewart labels for my fig jam, and happened to notice two firemen in uniform in line talking to this bleach blond hottie with neon pink fabric in her hair wearing a tight pink mini-skirt, pink pattern jacket and pink wedges (remember, this is a Michaels craft store).  As I approached this funky trio in line, I could only see the woman from behind, and I took her to be about oh, twenty three.  She was a piece of work, I’ll grant you, but she had nice legs – no cellulite, no varicose veins.  But then she turned around.  She may have had Tina Turner – like gams and a set of the biggest tits I’ve ever seen, but her face was  like post-plastic surgery Barry Manilow with a bad blonde wig.  She looked at least 70 from the front.  I nearly gasped out loud and dropped my jam labels.  It was one of those things where I didn’t want to stare but I couldn’t not look at her, she was a walking contradiction.  And a total freak show.

As we made our way up the line I tried to keep my eyes averted by watching the Paula Deen look-alike on the TV at the check out giving instructions in how to paint on a t-shirt with a stencil.  Riveting stuff, let me tell you.  It was finally my turn, and I made my way up to the cashier right next to the Pink Nightmare.  I could hear Pink and the cashier having a “disagreement” of some sort, and as I casually tried to “not listen” I came to understand that Pink thought the cashier didn’t understand store policies and that the cashier thought that after working there for five years that she, in fact, did.

“I hope I never see you again” Pink replied as she took her leave.

“Feeling’s mutual” retorted the cashier.

As the doors swooshed shut behind the Nightmare, my cashier, who was casually “not listening” like me, could barely contain her amusement.

“What was that about?” she asked he co-worker.

“She tried to tell me that she didn’t use this” she said as she showed us a half-used bottle of Mod Podge.  “Gimme a break.  You think I’m gonna trust a porn star?”

With that I took my change and exited Michaels just in time to see Pink pulling out of the parking lot in her pink Corvette.  Of course she has a pink corvette, I thought.  Then I put it all out of my mind until later this evening when I thought to tell Adam the story and learned that Pink was the notorious Angelyne and that I was probably the only person in the store who didn’t know who she was.

Which just goes to show you, even billboard queens like arts & crafts.  And firemen too, apparently.  And that everyone is pinching pennies these days, even going so far as to return used glue.  And that you can’t go anywhere in this town without the threat of running into people like this.